Post by Smokeleaf on Apr 8, 2011 20:34:36 GMT -5
Once upon a time (because not everything happens in time), there was a girl—but not just any girl. She was the most wonderful girl in all the world. Perfect, golden tresses draped over her shoulders like drapes. Perfect, cobalt blue eyes sat perfectly on either side of her perfect nose. Her perfect body was perfectly slender and perfectly proportioned, and in the perfect light, she was perfectly beautiful. In so many words, she was perfect. Everybody loved her, and—even though it completely ignores the stereotypes—not one single person loathed her for her immense beauty and popularity. This girl’s name was Mary Sue.
One day, Mary Sue decided to go for a walk. Actually, she didn’t so much decide it as she interpreted it through her dreams. All night long, images of tennis balls, musical notes, and laundry detergent ran through her head, which clearly meant that a stroll was in her future. So, after putting on a hat, she went to the door and began to step outside.
“Meow!”
Mary Sue whipped around and discovered that she had forgotten her cat, Mr. Twinkle Toes. He glared at her impatiently, clearly demanding inclusion in Mary Sue’s adventure. Now, normal people would get annoyed with spoiled, strangely named cats, but Mary Sue was far from normal. She leaned over and scratched Mr. Twinkle Toes behind his ears, giggling in a way that would have sounded like light and rainbows, if light and rainbows actually made a sound. She reached into the closet to get his leash, but he plopped down angrily and hissed.
“Oh, you don’t want your leash?” Mary Sue thought for a moment. “That’s okay. I’ll just have to carry you. It doesn’t matter that you’re comically overweight, because I’ve been lifting weights in secret. How convenient!”
She picked up Mr. Twinkle Toes with absolutely no difficulty and carried him down the street. People gawked as she passed, surprised to see the perfect little woman carrying such a large feline.
“Wow, Mary Sue!” they said. “You’re so strong!”
She smiled and thanked them politely, but didn’t brag about her strength. Nor did she brag about Mr. Twinkle Toes, even though he was a very expensive cat and not everyone could afford him. Lucky for me, a bag of money conveniently appeared on my front door! she thought to herself, because sometimes she thought to the cat.
Suddenly, the floor fell from beneath her. The sidewalk had parted due to some mysterious earthquake that only affected those three square feet around her. Mary Sue plummeted to the ground. “Mary Sue!” everyone cried, and even though she was miles under the ground, she could still hear them because she was perfect. Finally, she landed in a pool of cool water. “I’m all alone!” she cried, as Mr. Twinkle Toes had conveniently vanished. “What am I going to do?”
At that moment, she remembered that she’d spent all her life taking swimming lessons and so getting out of this scientifically impossible situation would be quite simple. She merely paddled forward and in no time at all, she found herself coming out of the ground in some mysterious country. “Where am I?” she wondered aloud, but since she was perfect, she already knew that she was in Russia. She’d always wanted to visit Russia. How convenient!
Ordinarily, Mary Sue’s perfection would allow her to win over the natives and return home via the helicopter of an unknown billionaire who has nothing to do with the story. Unfortunately, in Russia, everything is backwards. Mary Sue’s perfection did not win anybody over; in fact, it did quite the opposite. The Russians were appalled and annoyed by her peculiar personality, so they performed their tried-and-true Scorched Earth Technique, leaving Mary Sue alone with no food, burnt houses, poisoned water, and insane people running around starting fires. Finally, the Cossacks attacked and Mary Sue was left lying in a pool of her own blood until the Russian winter, when she died.
The literate world rejoiced.
One day, Mary Sue decided to go for a walk. Actually, she didn’t so much decide it as she interpreted it through her dreams. All night long, images of tennis balls, musical notes, and laundry detergent ran through her head, which clearly meant that a stroll was in her future. So, after putting on a hat, she went to the door and began to step outside.
“Meow!”
Mary Sue whipped around and discovered that she had forgotten her cat, Mr. Twinkle Toes. He glared at her impatiently, clearly demanding inclusion in Mary Sue’s adventure. Now, normal people would get annoyed with spoiled, strangely named cats, but Mary Sue was far from normal. She leaned over and scratched Mr. Twinkle Toes behind his ears, giggling in a way that would have sounded like light and rainbows, if light and rainbows actually made a sound. She reached into the closet to get his leash, but he plopped down angrily and hissed.
“Oh, you don’t want your leash?” Mary Sue thought for a moment. “That’s okay. I’ll just have to carry you. It doesn’t matter that you’re comically overweight, because I’ve been lifting weights in secret. How convenient!”
She picked up Mr. Twinkle Toes with absolutely no difficulty and carried him down the street. People gawked as she passed, surprised to see the perfect little woman carrying such a large feline.
“Wow, Mary Sue!” they said. “You’re so strong!”
She smiled and thanked them politely, but didn’t brag about her strength. Nor did she brag about Mr. Twinkle Toes, even though he was a very expensive cat and not everyone could afford him. Lucky for me, a bag of money conveniently appeared on my front door! she thought to herself, because sometimes she thought to the cat.
Suddenly, the floor fell from beneath her. The sidewalk had parted due to some mysterious earthquake that only affected those three square feet around her. Mary Sue plummeted to the ground. “Mary Sue!” everyone cried, and even though she was miles under the ground, she could still hear them because she was perfect. Finally, she landed in a pool of cool water. “I’m all alone!” she cried, as Mr. Twinkle Toes had conveniently vanished. “What am I going to do?”
At that moment, she remembered that she’d spent all her life taking swimming lessons and so getting out of this scientifically impossible situation would be quite simple. She merely paddled forward and in no time at all, she found herself coming out of the ground in some mysterious country. “Where am I?” she wondered aloud, but since she was perfect, she already knew that she was in Russia. She’d always wanted to visit Russia. How convenient!
Ordinarily, Mary Sue’s perfection would allow her to win over the natives and return home via the helicopter of an unknown billionaire who has nothing to do with the story. Unfortunately, in Russia, everything is backwards. Mary Sue’s perfection did not win anybody over; in fact, it did quite the opposite. The Russians were appalled and annoyed by her peculiar personality, so they performed their tried-and-true Scorched Earth Technique, leaving Mary Sue alone with no food, burnt houses, poisoned water, and insane people running around starting fires. Finally, the Cossacks attacked and Mary Sue was left lying in a pool of her own blood until the Russian winter, when she died.
The literate world rejoiced.
The End
(because not all stories end when the words do)
(because not all stories end when the words do)
![[[ShAdYCaUStI]] Avatar](http://i57.photobucket.com/albums/g227/hornswaggler/Talkingshirt.png)
